Friday, July 14, 2006

Things you need to believe . . .

Recently on Casting Pearls Before Swine, Mark posted a list of "things you have to believe to be a liberal." It was mildly amusing in its absurdity.

In response, I offer this list of things you need to believe to be a Republic(an):

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Arabs, and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney and Rumsfeld did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin Laden.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle and antagonize our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A President lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a President lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's and Dick Cheney's driving records are none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

Supporting "Executive Privilege" is imperative for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born in perpetuity.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.


Blogger Dan Trabue said...

Great list. Thanks for the laughs.

10:04 PM, July 14, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

My pleasure. Thanks for coming.

10:10 PM, July 14, 2006  
Blogger tugboatcapn said...

One way to be a good Left-wing nut job:

Make up (a list of) totally inane lies and try to make other Left-wing nut jobs believe them.

I'm as Republican as anybody who posts here, and I don't believe in one of your lies.

They're just lies.

2:43 PM, July 15, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

Touche, Tug.

10:58 PM, July 15, 2006  
Blogger Ron said...

Jim, good to see you blogging on a regular basis again. We must all help one another if we are to get back to the world of sanity. Good to have you aboard. I will come often.

3:36 AM, July 16, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

Ron, thanks. Good to hear. I've gotten tired of repeating myself "over there" and getting ad hominem attacks purporting to be "debate" in response.

I'd rather spend my efforts here.

9:08 AM, July 16, 2006  
Blogger Erudite Redneck said...

Good stuff.

3:13 PM, July 16, 2006  
Blogger likwidshoe said...

What the hell is a "Republic(an)"?

1:49 PM, July 23, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...


This is my way of mocking the GOP who insist on referring to the "Democratic" Party as the "Democrat" Party. They can't bear to say "Democratic Party" for fear that it will make the Dems seem more in favor of a democratic government.

So I call them Republics or the Republic Party.

6:43 PM, July 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, at least you can write well...and spell. In that case, you're a huge step above most liberals.

*Liberalism is a disease of ignorance*

11:26 PM, August 10, 2006  
Blogger Wasp Jerky said...

Make up (a list of) totally inane lies and try to make other Left-wing nut jobs believe them.

I'm as Republican as anybody who posts here, and I don't believe in one of your lies.

You know, it might be useful for you to actually engage in each of the points, instead of just making empty, broad generalizations.

8:53 AM, August 11, 2006  
Blogger Marshal Art said...

I went to the link and didn't find such a list. Too bad. I'm sure it was more accurate. BTW, I'm actually gonna put you in my favs. I'll visit if you don't mind.

12:21 AM, January 13, 2007  
Blogger Jim said...

Please do. I'd post more often, but I spend too much time trying to keep game honest, LOL.

9:52 PM, January 13, 2007  

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